Escapism

We run away everyday, we try to hide from our problems. I have spoken about this before but people have the tendency of cover up their problems in some even more dangerous ways. Pain can be hard to handle but it is definitely not something you want to cover up with an altered state of mind.

Drugs can be a good "party-goers recreational tool" but they should not be used with an extreme frequency and should not be used when you are feeling low. People who use drugs of any form are using them as some form of escapism but people who use them to cover up feelings could be forming a dangerous psychological addiction.

Face your problems in the real world because when you make them go away by the use of drugs, life just gets harder and harder and so does the addiction.

Bottling Things Up

People have a tendency to hold things back and let them boil inside. We may have for example lost a love one. After initially feeling the pain we then hold it back so that we can apparently "move forward through life". Unfortunately this method of coping with things is unproductive and does more damage than good.

When you hold things back you put up walls that you may not be aware that you have built. You may not be able to let new things into your life. Accepting the fact that what you have lost is gone, reflecting on the good times and harbouring the memory is the only thing I can recommend that you do. If we live life by ignoring the pain, ignoring the feelings we have and trying to erase memories we will fall into a pit that we may not be able to escape from. Face the pain for it is an experience worth having to move forward, but make sure you harbour the acceptance of loss as soon as you are ready.

Where to Go

Life is full of bumps and hurdles, we go through so much and a lot of the time we never know what we want. We think about what we can achieve, what would make us happy, but we also seem to have trouble finding it. Is it as simple as just coming to terms with what we already have? Can we get past all these difficulties and these pains and "just be"?

These are questions I am not going to try and answer for everyone is at a different level. Everyone needs to find what makes them happy but I would suggest looking inside yourself instead of out. Try to come to terms with what has been and gone, what you have lost, where you are now and what you have.

Life can be wonderful at times, just think positive and never too far forward.

Spaced

Its an odd feeling, a feeling of just "being", you just do what you feel like doing, you do whatever feels fitting. You do what you have to when you have to but nothing seems to matter but, its not in a way thats bad... it "just is".  You don't care where you end up, you don't care what your doing, its like your observing reality just pass by and you can only nudge it to steer it in the right direction.

How do you escape it? Do you want to? To just let it be or to try and steer yourself back to the reality you are used to... Where has it all gone?

Haunted

Feelings emotions fade in an out,
The past thats follows me,
Love lost in my ear it shouts,
Look there and see,
Move forward for the past is history.

You Can Have Success and Find Love

In life we get to down on ourselves, we always say "I wish" but never look to what we can actually do to get to a destination. Success isn't that unachievable like I mentioned in an earlier post. All one has to do in life is find what it is one can have and find out what one needs to do to get to their destination.

You must not let negative thoughts ever get in your way, this is critical. The path to a destination usually never goes without problems but if you truly aim towards your goal and hurdle or roadblock is passable.

Certain journeys however may require one to just be patient and use the focus of your mind to achieve them. The mind is a powerful thing. Finding love is one of those things you need to be patient with but it will come, just keep wanting it but maybe stop looking for it, ignore it for a while and it should come to your door looking to be let in with loving arms.

I again implore everyone out there to never give up on their dreams and never stop pushing through live aiming towards their goals. Start waiting for love and stop looking, keep being positive and keep wanting it but don't put your focus on one thing.

Aim For the Skies

If you have a dream I emplore you to follow it. So many people today are unhappy in situations they wish they weren't in, they may have a job but not a career. If you find something that you are enjoy or think you would enjoy do it. Finding something in life that has purpose is important for a happy life.

I have found in life that some things are worth going for, life can be a tough one. Studying is one of those things that one needs to learn to do for example. If you have found it hard to focus on things in life or have had to many distractions to study towards a dream career throw away all the frustration and do it anyway, set time aside for yourself and put your mind to it, anyone is capable of success.

For those out there who need that little bit of extra motivation I will tell you: YOU CAN DO IT. Throw away those things in your life that are a little bit depressing and a little bit unhealthy and make your life so much better!

Life is great and you can be too! Look to the skies and rise high, you can keep flying and not have to come down.

Respect and Understanding

There are some people in the world who apply labels to others and judge people for doing things. They associate people with certain groups and think themselves in a place that is right to judge. I have been judged and judged again but do people understand others? Do they really know themselves?

I have come across people who aren't really their own person, they go through life thinking they are in control, stating what they believe in but they themselves are being controlled by others. They can't make their own decisions they listen to others and some of those others do things they state they themselves would never do. They are oblivious to the fact that they should be accepting these people as friends but not as advisors.

People should have respect and understanding for others but they should try and understand the person they are dealing with, instead of taking advice from them when they are incapable of providing well formed advice on what you are asking.

People ared strange beings, avoid forming strong relationships with those who cannot get through life on their own.

Don’t Look for Love

Looking for love is, as I have learned something that is very unproductive. It is finally that I have given up looking, I simply do not care anymore. You try ever so hard with all your imperfections but whatever you find.. it falls over and you get nowhere.

You find someone that you care for deeply but they end up leaving you, running away, you endure the most painful and impossible scenarios but its not you at fault anymore.. you shouldn't of even tried as the other person is never as willing as you are.

You think you have gotten past the pain but then out of nowhere.. a dream comes with a depressing opening of your eyes into the world, you wish that you had never met that person, you wish you really were over them.

You finally accept that you are still not over them accepting that it may take some more time, don't look for love let it look for you because if you look for love your curse will be pain looking for you.

Perception

Something random for the day, things are what we perceive them to be and nothing else.

Ever been sitting around and getting all paranoid about what the people across the room are saying about you? Sometimes you crazy nuts might even start thinking that this little fantasy you just created was real and true.

In life we need to be open to interpretation, people take offense to things or assume things because they delude themselves and perceive things their own way, choose to let go and try to see things as they really are, be more mindful of situations so you can enjoy life more, at the very least delude yourself into thinking nobody dislikes you and be nice to them(don't get a big ego though).

A Little Lost

So as of late I have been having much trouble figuring out what on earth I want to write about, I used to have this strategy of self help and philosophical article writing but now I'm so random and unfocused its not funny.

The worst thing is I think my posts are starting to become the stuff that you tend to get on one of those "normal" blogs, urgh what is the world coming to?

Anyways thats my little piece of nonsense for the moment, if you people would like to throw something romantic, philosophical or would like to risk asking me for advice on something throw it in a comment(see http://livinganillusion.com for past work) Come on guys get my back together!

Music

Hey all, I just randomly felt like writing something about music, I am not going to drabble on about which genre is best or whose the greatest artist but instead just that music rocks.

Most music seems to have emotion and art in it, in this sense most people can appreciate more than one genre even if they don't like it, I myself although a Trance fan appreciate Classical, Jazz, Rock, Hip Hop and a lot of other genres and in fact I like most of those genres as well, when you listen to a song to hear it for its story or to hear it for what it tells you, you are really doing something special and you could be learning about yourself too.

Its amazing how one song can resemble happiness at a time of being okay and sadness when you are sad, don't you love listening to songs that perk you up? Doesn't it amaze you how so many people like different genres and different songs?

I just think music is amazing! Everyone crank their tunes!

Listening to: Push - Strange World (2002 Remake)

Pointless Blobble

Hey everyone welcome to my new blog, this site will be mirroring http://illuzian.livejournal.com with some added extras. I hope everyone enjoys my randomness, possible depth and lack thereof and whatever the hell I write about, stay tuned!

Listening to: Push - Strange World (2002 Remake)

Philosophical Debate

I was at work and was discussing randomly with a friend Descartes Philosophical argument of Cogito Ergo Sum(I am thinking, therefore I exist) and one of my other work colleagues brought up the argument that we cannot take ownership of thoughts and cannot prove they are our own, I did some research and I believe this statement must come from the school of Skepticism, I cannot find the philosopher who developed this theory but it seems like a valid argument, What if my thoughts are shared? What if I am the result of higher beings thought? How can I absolutely know that these thoughts are mine and mine alone?... The answer is cannot know but can assume.

I cannot with all accuracy prove that the thoughts that I am thinking are truly my own but I can assume they are, at the moment of the proposed argument I was a but tripped out, it seemed completely valid, I could think of no counter argument, however, based on perception although logically not fully accurate (not accurate based on the Cogito Ergo Sum theory) I was able to think of a possible argument against the theory, although also based on assumption because it includes variables such as awareness and perception it appears to be more logical and make more sense, it also lacks the element of imagination or speculation.

Here is a copy of the email I just sent to my colleague(who is currently not at work):

Now although you cannot prove that the thoughts that I think are mine you also cannot prove that they are not, the following logic seems to make sense from my view:

The only thoughts that I am aware of are my own, I cannot prove that another being is thinking I only assume that other sentient beings on the same level think because they have similar actions to my own, because the only thoughts that I can be *aware* of are the ones I am thinking them, it must then be assumed they are my thoughts, now because the ability to perceive a higher beings existence is based on assumption from almost no evidence other than my own creativity then again, I must assume that the thoughts I am thinking are my own.

The thoughts that I think can be assumed my own because only I am certain that I am thinking. A 3rd person can be assumed to be thinking because they may behave similar to myself, I am human they are human therefore I assume they think. A higher being cannot be assumed to be thinking because I do not have any logical proof that it exists except by creativity.. it cannot be literally perceived and interpreted, therefore it is not known whether it is thinking or not.

Another point to go further to take ownership of my own thoughts is as follows:
At a moment of experience alone or amongst a group the feelings are dependent on my situation therefore the thought that arises from my perception from my maybe inaccurate senses is still by assumption my own because I assume only I can be in exactly the same situation at that one time, so the variables time, surroundings, feeling, and perception combined together to create situational thought can only be known logically to occur once, the only other way to counter that statement that I can see is that there maybe parallel universes and that my overall thought is subject to a collective of individuals some how linked to me that create the overall thoughts that I have, but again I cannot literally have perception of these alternate beings therefore it cannot be known whether they are thinking.

Now although the theory that my thoughts are not mine and that I cannot take ownership of them because I cannot know that only I am thinking them still stands, from logic and evidence I cannot with reason prove that any other sentient being actual thinks because there is only an assumption of thinking, therefore it comes back to the thoughts that I am thinking are imagining another beings existence.

Thought can be known but cannot be perceived only assumed, therefore only I know that I am thinking, I cannot know that another being is thinking/imagining my existence or having the same thoughts I am simply because I cannot prove the existence of thoughts other than those of my own conscious mind.

Most things are assumed or imagined, the things that can be assumed based on what we define as literal perception appear to have more validity.

Therefore the validity of Cogito Ergo Sum should still be valid based on the above argument.


Now I am sure there are some elements of my theory that could be argued but its pretty much the only argument I could think of, If anyone thinks it lacks critical components or even knows the philosopher who made the theory my colleague brought up post a comment!

My Thoughts in a Moment of Pain

It’s the most incomprehensible pain I have ever felt, the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with, she gave me her answer and that was it, it was the first time I have ever truly felt whole in my ability to be truly selfless to someone.

I feel like crying but I can’t because if I explain to anyone they truly won’t understand.

At the moment in time I just wanted to hate her but I couldn’t, I just wanted her to be happy and at that moment my heart felt completely crushed but I knew she made the right decision, at least I hope she did.

I can’t fully comprehend this, I am utterly confused and right at this moment the only retreat I have is this blog.

I don’t know why but I felt so connected with her but I knew truly how distant she felt away from me.

I felt like just becoming mad and saying things cruel along the general lines of expecting too much from life but I knew it was never that simple and saying that would of just aggravated any chance she had of working through any faults she thought she might have.

I don’t feel like moving right now, I can barely breath, why do people form something great and then loose it because of something so trivial? I cannot answer this question.

Its totally and utterly crazy but it was like the minute I knew she was going to give me the answer I felt like crying, I knew it already.

I had the unhealthy emotions raging inside me, wanting to just die, wanting to be spiteful but on the other hand I had the compassion, the reasoning, the true love inside of me, and as crazy as it is writing this, which at this very moment in time with tears in my eyes, the only thing keeping me together is this feeling of love that feels so much stronger than anything material, obsessive….

I feel like I have come to a milestone in my life, I know I shouldn’t wear my heart on my sleeve, Its so hard not to because I just crave the giving of love so much, and I think I have realised that I can finally be who I want to be in a relationship as long as it’s the right person… if I ever find the right person.

Is it Karma, am I meant to find the right person? Maybe I caused someone so much heartbreak once in this lifetime or another lifetime that I have to suffer this fate.. but is it suffering or learning, I really need to reflect again.

I need to find a worthwhile purpose in life and with my pursuit of finding that one person its not going to happen, I need to just live my life, I’m thinking about taking a course to be a counsellor, I want to impact on others lives instead of living a materialistic egocentric goal, its not fulfilling to live a life of money or things or even looks as in the end it just comes down to death, we all die, and what if, I die at 30 but became a counsellor and prevented even just a few youth suicides, gave someone the hope they needed and the wisdom they needed to see life isn’t as bad as it seems, I myself have been there, in one sense I feel so hopeless and so meaningless but in another sense I know that I have learnt so much, come so far in such a short period of time and I have so much potential to care for others instead of just myself.

I’m sure if that right person, like this girl I met, someone who may of come as far as me when I meet her and accepts me for me might come along but then again is it truly important to meet this person.

How beautiful would it be to meet someone and want to change the world and make it more compassionite more liveable?
But do I need it? No
Do I crave it? Yes

It feels so impossible but what do I have? The knowledge to know I can go somewhere.

I’m sure I wont be me again for a while, I take much time to heal but that’s who I am.

These things I know for sure:
I hope she finds happiness and purpose
I hope that I find purpose and meaning
I need to cleanse these unhealthy painful emotions and become me once again.

I’m a wreck but I will cope, I left the door open to her, I told her what I thought was the best advice, I told her to be happy, and I don’t feel spiteful, I know I couldn’t talk to her normally at this moment in time as just a friend, maybe if I pass this her and I can one day be friends but for now she is out of my life and things are as they were before I met her, I’m glad I met her, she was an awesome person but it obviously wasn’t right in her mind.

I am utterly confused but lets hope the right views I held in this absolute expression of the thoughts in my head right now overpower any wrong views in this expression.

I hope though that most of my thoughts are right view, I am confident that they are but I’m sure in time they will make sense.

Reflection

I haven’t posted on this blog for a long time as many of you may know, I’m not sure if any of my old readers from various places still check on the blog from time to doubt and I doubt it but here I will be posting my views, beliefs and perceptions from the world.

The first thing that has got me back into a post is love, its my trigger, it’s the thing that cuts deep into me no matter how strong it is, it always leaves me wandering how I got myself into the situation in the first place, internet dating? Wearing my heart on my sleeve? Getting attached too quickly? I honestly don’t know and even after long periods of meditation I can’t figure out why certain situations lead to so much suffering for me.

I know these things are certain, I do ultimately put myself in a position with the potential to get hurt, I do trust society too much to perceive certain people as being able to ignore the superficiality of the world, but the sad fact is, is that too many people in the world are conditioned with superficial views, they may not be aware of these things and it can take a very motivated and reflective person to be able to reflect on themselves and see the root cause of this problem and rout it out, but of course this is only my point of view.

For those of you who would like to work towards being more content with your life try listening to http://www.bswa.org/modules/mydownloads/visit.php?cid=4&lid=131 and see if it works for you, I myself have much trouble being content with live because like everyone I am not perfect, I want more meaning in life, I want so much more purpose but yet it can be so hard to find sometimes.

Without going into specifics I will go into detail about what has happened recently that has caused me to reflect on myself, you see I tend to always try to find some way of improving my life when things go wrong.

I met a girl, of course since my last post I have met many girls, and I just haven’t been able to relate to them in the same way I could this girl. This girl, I spoke with her on the phone many times for hours on end and I hadn’t met her, we could hold a conversation about things which you couldn’t usually develop a discussion out of in the everyday conversation. Things about life, love etc, it also seemed we had so much in common, this awesome girl couldn’t wait to meet me and it built up, we met, and that was it, I still felt the same way about her as I first did but she didn’t feel the same about me, of course this should have been expected, the one quam I have with myself is that I let myself get to emotionally and mentally attached, I thought hey this could work, as it turned out there were some views that even this great girl might not of known she held and that I still don’t know what they were that caused her to not be so *into* me anymore, I’m not going to make any kind of example of her but you can see from this wonderful but painful example, ultimately wearing your heart on your sleeve causes suffering.

On a personal note, I feel lost because this is the first time I have met someone who is so much alike me mentally and even some what spiritually that I was able to relate to on this level, it truly is hard sometimes when these things happen and pass us by but life is difficult and we have to find the good in what happens to us no matter hard it is, life is a learning experience.

Let’s reiterate on something important from the path of Buddhism, the four noble truths:

1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.

You see this is great, it’s so blunt and in my eyes so true, my only problem is I don’t want to be totally detached from the world, I want a partner, I want to find a profession that helps people, this is my problem and I just can’t seem to find a way to work myself around it.

At this very moment in time I’m utterly confused, I don’t know what I want, what I want to do, I need to get out and enjoy life more.

As some of you may or may not know I’m and IT guy, I’ve always been into the challenge of learning things new and IT has seemed to be that profession, programming to be specific, but lets look at what’s wrong with that view, doing IT, doing something because its what I want doesn’t really achieve anything on a greater scale its just me isn’t it. Now as selfish as this my sound *I* would be a lot happier doing things that directly impacted and improved other peoples lives, not just mine.

Right now my stresses are many, I don’t altogether enjoy my job, I have loans which I just want to pay off, I’m not getting enough exercise because I never have enough energy thanks to my work, I’m giving up smoking which is hard but I’m getting there and of course the ordeal that has recently occurred that I have partly focused on here.

I don’t really know what more to say because I’m tired as all Hell but I would like to leave you with a few things to reflect on:

Are you unhappy where you are now?
Is your job causing you too much stress?
Is there any place you would like to take your life?
Are you having difficulties relating to people?
Is there something I don’t like about myself?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions ask yourself how to I reverse that or how to achieve what I want to achieve, its really easy if you think clear headed and make sure the motivation behind your goal is pure.

Also for those spiritual nuts out there reflect on how fulfilling the following may be:
1. I vow to rescue the boundless living beings from suffering;
2. I vow to put an end to the infinite afflictions of living beings;

For those love nuts out there curse by what may be Karma from the times we have broken others hearts as hard as this may be reflect on:

Do we need a partner in our life to be fulfilled?
Is the Pain worth it?
What are our alternatives?
(For me the answers are yes, yes, I will cover this if I ever get hurt so much the first two answers change)

Anyway that is me for this post on reflection, I hope it wasn’t to muddled as you may of notices I’m feeling quite reflective myself as well as confused and slightly lost, even empty.

The Futile Love

Love is like a treasure without a map, its impossible to find.

No matter where you look the chances of finding *true* love are extremely limited especially in todays society. I have covered countless times what I beleive true love is, but how many other people out there hold what you as an individual think is true love, even to a simular degree.

Love is futiles, it simply places a reliance on another individual which in turn creates hurt and let down. If someone has truly found love then I congratulate you but for the majority out there looking the possibility of *true hurt* and *true anguish* is more so a possibility then *true love*.

Shall we give up? Its not in our nature but our nature as emotional and loving as it may be always seems to guide us down the path to pain instead of love.

Its a reality that stings.
Its a reality that hurts.
Its a reality that can only be taken away in dreams.
Fly on the wings of love, if only in your dreams.
Love is the missing link.

What People Say

Its a reality that just doesn't seem to be easily accepted. The fact is, people are unreliable. Regardless of what your impression of anybody may be, nobody will ever be 100% reliable if even 1%.

People say they will do this or that but why? Do you think honestly anybody really does anything for other people these days? I think not.

In todays society where people have been brought up the way they have a selfish attitude is always around the corner.

Where am I really going with this topic? Essentially I just want to advise everyone that pinning hopes on another individual or even a group of individuals is futile. In all reality the only person you can rely on is yourself but, have you ever found yourself feeling regret etc? This is essentialy you letting yourself, so if you as an individual let yourself down sometimes how is it ever possible to have faith in any external entity.

Its the painful truth, that is all it is.

Be weary people for the real world is truly a painful place to live, live for yourself as living for others hurts to much.

Failure of Life

Life is to live,

Love is to give,

Pain will hurt,
Hurt will pass,
The passing will hurt,
The hurting will kill,
The death is the way to end the suffering,
We want forgiveness,
We want happiness,
We fail at perfection,
We fail at giving,
We fail ourselves,
We have failed life...

Something a Little More Wild

Yes thats it folks I have cracked, I have decided to talk about sex. Now as I have said in previous posts I think sex has been abused and made into some ridiculous game where people will just go out and have sex with whoever they please, mostly males who end up hurting women but of course women do it too.

I think sex is act best left for when you love someone, sex can be wild and fun but of course its at its peak when you actually care for who you are with. I think in the modern world it is important to be a little wild and experiment. Now in my opinion its the guy who should be pleasing the girl, guys have hands and they rarely do much anyway so they can do themselves instead, and it doesn't talk much to finish a guy off.

As I have said previously it is important to have good communication in a relationship and for a great sex life, being able to talk about these kinds of issues is important too. If you want your partner to do something to you talk to them about it. If you want to do something to your partner and you are not sure if they would like it talk to them and ask them, you never know.

Live on the wild side too, sexual fantasies don't have to just be fantasies, of course they should be nice fantasies but with good communication talk to your partner about your fantasies and see if they are willing to make an exchange, your fantasy for one of theirs, fantasies carried out together can be very intimate and can mean a lot between couples.

I think in conclusion, it is a good idea to experiment during sex and have a good time, moans and screams can be very fun. Only ever have sex with someone you love and make it a goal to learn that persons body.

May you all have wild, fun and intimate times with those you love :P

Illuzian