It’s the most incomprehensible pain I have ever felt, the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with, she gave me her answer and that was it, it was the first time I have ever truly felt whole in my ability to be truly selfless to someone.
I feel like crying but I can’t because if I explain to anyone they truly won’t understand.
At the moment in time I just wanted to hate her but I couldn’t, I just wanted her to be happy and at that moment my heart felt completely crushed but I knew she made the right decision, at least I hope she did.
I can’t fully comprehend this, I am utterly confused and right at this moment the only retreat I have is this blog.
I don’t know why but I felt so connected with her but I knew truly how distant she felt away from me.
I felt like just becoming mad and saying things cruel along the general lines of expecting too much from life but I knew it was never that simple and saying that would of just aggravated any chance she had of working through any faults she thought she might have.
I don’t feel like moving right now, I can barely breath, why do people form something great and then loose it because of something so trivial? I cannot answer this question.
Its totally and utterly crazy but it was like the minute I knew she was going to give me the answer I felt like crying, I knew it already.
I had the unhealthy emotions raging inside me, wanting to just die, wanting to be spiteful but on the other hand I had the compassion, the reasoning, the true love inside of me, and as crazy as it is writing this, which at this very moment in time with tears in my eyes, the only thing keeping me together is this feeling of love that feels so much stronger than anything material, obsessive….
I feel like I have come to a milestone in my life, I know I shouldn’t wear my heart on my sleeve, Its so hard not to because I just crave the giving of love so much, and I think I have realised that I can finally be who I want to be in a relationship as long as it’s the right person… if I ever find the right person.
Is it Karma, am I meant to find the right person? Maybe I caused someone so much heartbreak once in this lifetime or another lifetime that I have to suffer this fate.. but is it suffering or learning, I really need to reflect again.
I need to find a worthwhile purpose in life and with my pursuit of finding that one person its not going to happen, I need to just live my life, I’m thinking about taking a course to be a counsellor, I want to impact on others lives instead of living a materialistic egocentric goal, its not fulfilling to live a life of money or things or even looks as in the end it just comes down to death, we all die, and what if, I die at 30 but became a counsellor and prevented even just a few youth suicides, gave someone the hope they needed and the wisdom they needed to see life isn’t as bad as it seems, I myself have been there, in one sense I feel so hopeless and so meaningless but in another sense I know that I have learnt so much, come so far in such a short period of time and I have so much potential to care for others instead of just myself.
I’m sure if that right person, like this girl I met, someone who may of come as far as me when I meet her and accepts me for me might come along but then again is it truly important to meet this person.
How beautiful would it be to meet someone and want to change the world and make it more compassionite more liveable?
But do I need it? No
Do I crave it? Yes
It feels so impossible but what do I have? The knowledge to know I can go somewhere.
I’m sure I wont be me again for a while, I take much time to heal but that’s who I am.
These things I know for sure:
I hope she finds happiness and purpose
I hope that I find purpose and meaning
I need to cleanse these unhealthy painful emotions and become me once again.
I’m a wreck but I will cope, I left the door open to her, I told her what I thought was the best advice, I told her to be happy, and I don’t feel spiteful, I know I couldn’t talk to her normally at this moment in time as just a friend, maybe if I pass this her and I can one day be friends but for now she is out of my life and things are as they were before I met her, I’m glad I met her, she was an awesome person but it obviously wasn’t right in her mind. I am utterly confused but lets hope the right views I held in this absolute expression of the thoughts in my head right now overpower any wrong views in this expression.
I hope though that most of my thoughts are right view, I am confident that they are but I’m sure in time they will make sense.
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